May 4, 2025
Have you ever noticed the weird little phenomena that take place when it comes to our behavior and the darker emotions behind it? And what we have to say for ourselves? For example: digital customers are far more likely to write a negative review than a positive one; or, most people claim to dislike waiting in lines, yet can’t help but feel compelled to jump in one when they realize that it’s getting longer.
Some may implement an adage like “if you can’t say anything nice, then don’t say anything at all” or the rebellious “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em”, but life does not work that way; it’s incredibly convoluted, and accountability nowadays rests upon a vast spectrum, causing explanations for all kinds of ill behavior to be abundantly irrelevant.
Like a moth to a flame, we seem to be hypnotically drawn to situations, information and even people that burn us, so that we can develop a personal narrative that makes our lives feel more interestingly crazy and unique. The reality is that all of this negativity we consume continues to be spoon fed to us and most are too poorly equipped to reconcile linguistically. As if that ever stopped us from complaining.
Plead the Fifth
Whether we’re provoked or we simply set ourselves up for it, stressful situations (sensorially acute and then poof!) are picked up by our brains as being urgent, which causes us to react quicker than positive ones (less acute and slower-fading); this is why we feel taken aback, disrespected or enraged in the spur of the moment. And why (hopefully) our memories generally tend to favor the good times over the bad.
We’re biologically designed to have physiological reactions to such stressful or perceivably harmful stimuli: shallow breath, sweaty palms, increased heart rate, blushing, cottonmouth. These are autonomic re-actions that occur naturally within our bodies; but it’s quite odd, the things that these bodies are capable of (publicly or perhaps even worse, privately) once this effect has been transferred this into language.
“…and the waiter NEVER brought more water and the SAME WAITER had this stupid little smirk on his face like, ‘what are you gonna do about it?’ and the halibut was dry and our table was right in front of the bathroom and the lights were way too dim…” Those dining with this jackass may have a personal review of their own to add, “and the company was salty”, but out of politeness, may abstain from Yelping.
What’s more perplexing is the reasoning that is applied in the wake of these situations; first internally, then often in the subsequent explanation to witnesses, staring with their mouths agape or utterly avoiding eye contact. But when someone chooses to wait in line and then bitches about how long it’s taking, we’d be wasting our breath to mutter beneath it, “what’s this guy’s problem?”
Don’t get them started, because the explanation is often likely to be nothing more than an exhausting series of complaints and accusations about people’s shortcomings, traffic and even the human construct of time. In these delusional expositions, everyone seems to be incompetent, there’s never not traffic, and the timing of everything is constantly wrong.
The “problem” actually exists from drenching ourselves with countless insignificant or negative thoughts and distractions; and as a result, too easily do we exchange the aesthetics of sensibility and common decency for a plea of self defense. Instead of letting go, we compound problems by putting on our lawyer pants or even a powdered wig and robe to swing analogous gavels, while pushing our needle closer toward a state of insanity. Now, that’s a plea.
Van Damn, Thank You Ma’am
The evocation that we are all human and we all make plenty of mistakes, is extremely important when we want to try and move past our personal blunders. Though this should be avoided as a means to absolve ourselves of our own guilt, for when we forgive ourselves in fault and perpetually generate excuses in the process, we begin to develop patterns that end up placing us in one corner, and everyone else in the other.
Sometimes, however, we find ourselves in one of those corners and don’t understand how we got there. In other words, we catch ourselves explaining…ourselves; and on the receiving end of this is someone who just wrenches it right out of us, challenges us in a way that sends those brain signals into a tailspin, as we struggle to define or defend something that we sincerely perceive as being socially benign.
If our decisions and actions have personally affected someone close to us in a negative way, then we must own up to that and communicate clearly what our intentions were and will be. However, many of these folks are inadvertently picking fights with us because they are grasping at straws to understand just where in the hell we are coming from. They may claim it as a gesture of concern or endearment, but the reason it doesn’t come out that way is because it is mixed with gestures of disdain for something that defies their conception of what and who they thought they had understood.
When my partner and I decided to van-life with our 3 kids full-time a few years ago, we quietly informed our families that we no longer had a physical address and that mail could be sent to a P.O. Box we set up (it was so satisfying to also discourage the mailing of packages, of which were copious). Our elderly parents asked us if we needed money, our friends asked us if we were in some sort of legal trouble, one relative asked if we were on “the dope”. We basically laughed it off, especially after one of them threatened to exclude us from their Last Will and Testament.
This one was initially tricky, but it eventually catapulted us into the realization that we could simply embrace the reality that we were “different” and that we never needed to incorporate personal strategies or mechanisms in order to defend that reality. People try to poke holes in that framework, the tapestry we have woven over time: “you’ll get mauled by a bear” or “murdered by some drifter” or “run your little van right off a cliff!”. Thanks for the tip, but we always keep an eye out for cliffs and psychopaths. And, of course, bears.
Bring it Ion, TED
When confronted with people who seek an explanation from us, it’s of the utmost importance to keep the output of information simple and surface level. When being socially interrogated, and we’re confident they won’t get it, we can respond with: “you know us haha!” or “that’s just what I believe” (allow for some mystery without being creepy). By nature, not everyone will sympathize, understand or sometimes ever come to terms with our explanations, which can begin to lack clarity or confidence and even become defensive or hostile. Less is more.
We can embrace being a weirdo who doesn’t take things too seriously, but we don’t want to pose as a proverbial doormat either; weirdos might also be perceived as drug abusers, liars, lazy, broke and broken, clueless, ill-informed or just downright disrespectful. When we find ourselves correcting people more than connecting with them, perhaps we need to reevaluate one of two things: 1) our personal intentions or 2) our relationship with this person or group of people.
This is typically easier to do in our heads than to have actual conversations with others about boundaries, intentions, expectations, etc.; but if we treat it as another exercise in uncomfortability, future benefits will reveal themselves, in due time.
There will always be moments when we find ourselves at odds with the person we are versus the person others see us as. Do what is necessary to know and to be the healthiest version of you possible. Those who take this route may discover many insights about the world and their place in it; but seldom should they find any need to explain themselves.
The person explaining quantum physics on a TED Talk is explaining quantum physics on a TED talk. The person explaining why they acted a particular way or said a certain thing, is drowning in their own sea of self-doubt, leaving their commentary bereft of meaning. But there is hope; there is a life preserver and we all have it within us.
Slow down and let our explanations be the vessels of wisdom and knowledge that we may impart upon others who approach life with curiosity and genuine interest, like kids. Unlike many adults, children don’t need to understand anything, they simply want to understand it, without judgement. Plus, whenever I tell other people’s kids about my family’s van-life adventures, they almost always ask their parents when they’re going to buy their family a Sprinter.