April 19, 2026
Have you ever thought about how much time and energy is wasted by clinging to our expectations? In many cases, it’s necessary to expect certain outcomes: like allowing for more time to get to school or work if it’s snowing; or taking the trash out to the curb the night before it’s supposed to be picked up; or looking both ways before stepping into the street.
Chances Are
Similar to setting standards for ourselves, such logical planning helps us to navigate our day-to-day with a bit more ease; but the risk assessments we begin calculating if we don’t get to work on time or if the trash doesn’t make it to the curb by morning or if we got run over by a car, are not only highly impractical, but quickly start to reek of anxiety.
Let’s face it, none of us have psychic abilities; but when it comes to uncertainty (that is, what we’re incapable of anticipating) the way we ruminate over the future is profoundly absurd. When we’re unsure of something, we may embark on the process of seeking out and taking in information, which we’ve been conditioned to twist around in our heads until some sort of familiar understanding is met and a subsequent expectation takes the wheel.
If you’ve ever heard someone incessantly complaining, it’s likely because they’ve staked a personal claim on a story that just didn’t turn out the way they had imagined. Life is literally full of surprises, but when our prognostication has been defied by the laws of random chance, we react as if someone has broken into our castle and absconded with our crystal ball.
A great deal of this obsession with outcomes is rooted in self-fulfillment, a need to be correct. This is why we spend hours every day looking at headlines to prove our point, over and over again: “Yep, I just knew Ketogenic was the best diet of them all.” (we “knew” that 20,000 clicks ago; that’s why it keeps popping up); or, “Ya see? This is why I didn’t vote for that idiot!” (as if we need further proof that they’re an idiot).
It is also the reason we struggle so much with letting go. Time, in our heads, should equal gains, not losses; and we can’t fathom the idea of our future self having less than we have today. Whether it’s the loss of a loved one or a garage full of junk, parting has simply become synonymous with sorrow, sans the sweet.
Deep Impact
There are probably a lot of reasons why we cling to our things and our expectations: we may look to past trauma in order to explain unhealthy attachments; screen addictions also have a very real and serious impact on our possessive behavioral tendencies; but what if it goes deeper than that, farther back? What if there was something that happened first (or failed to happen), which allowed for the trauma to initially transpire or the inability to set down a phone to continue to worsen?
America has seen slavery, the decimation of an entire indigenous population, Jim Crow laws, residential segregation through public housing projects, post-911 racism, targeted police brutality, the domestic terrorism of ICE. We teach our children to believe in God, Santa Claus, even a giant fucking Easter Bunny (heaven forbid we call that thing a rabbit); but we’re simply at a loss for words when it comes to honestly addressing social injustice or the nasty origins of how we came to be a nation?
I don’t wish to jump into the socio-political arena, but it is interesting to me how the youngest and most privileged society in the world also happens to be the laziest, the most myopic and the quickest to judge anyone who does not play by our rules (which we continue to make up as we go along). When we don’t get our way, we are appalled and instead of submitting to a difference of opinion, we desperately scan our environment to unearth some sort of proof or testament that supports our position as being the correct one.
At some point, we develop a pattern of beliefs and expectations that are in no way exclusive to us, as our identity becomes, well, less us. With nothing but lies and ignorance to fall back on, we either revolt or we take the easy road and root for a regime under the assumption that at least some of them have our backs; but the thing is, they don’t and they probably never will. Ignorant of this truth, we stumble awkwardly into a lane, only to get ripped by the undertow, down into the depths of banality and servitude.
Social decline in the absence of a cohesive cultural identity is not a new theory. Many prolific 20th century authors have cautioned their readers with ambivalence about the potential daunting consequences of a still very young nation that continues to be lured into nationalism, by way of accepting a falsified heroic heritage story.
If we can’t address where we came from and how we got here with honest, open eyes, then what hope do we have of overcoming banality and servitude? When we continue to celebrate myths as truth, how is it possible to avoid the opposite of cultural cohesion, which is societal collapse?
Mi Casa
What is our purpose here? If I begin to answer this question with little buzzwords like, “401K” or “salary” or “comfort”, then it’s about “me” and what is “mine”. In defense of this I might say, “No, no, it’s not just about me- I’m extending this purpose to my family as well”; but, to be clear, it’s limited to my family, not the neighbor’s or anyone else’s– mine.
This is why we may take a health retreat or scour the internet searching for ways in which we can be better. The self-help industry is booming, in part because we are simply trying to survive this shit storm of a reality; but also because we are obsessed with ourselves and our own pursuit of happiness. Yet, as we try to fill the void, we struggle to find a moral foothold that may allow us to ascend past this dreary state of ancestral guilt and unresolved pain.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be a better person, it’s actually fantastic; but the reason we often come up short in this area, only to keep moving on to the next hot take is because, while we’ve spent gobs of time searching for the “how?” and “what?”, we just haven’t yet reflected honestly enough to locate our “why?”. This leaves us extremely vulnerable to rumination, dread, anxiety– with all of these negative emotions swirling around in our head, it’s no wonder we create so many unrealistic expectations.
What we’re trying to set are standards for ourselves, but what we end up with is an invisible safeguard and a series of esoteric boundaries, exclusive to us, which fail because they are designed to serve only us. The disturbing origins of how this country has evolved and come to power may have provided a foundation for some unchecked vanity, to the effect of perpetual dissatisfaction; but we still have yet to wake up from this nightmare so that we may overcome privilege, denial and trepidation, and start looking toward a better future together.
Greater Good
Of course, we can all start with knowing our facts about history so that we may reconcile its effect on our present; but it also starts with each unique individual and we’ve all heard that “we have to take care of ourselves if we want to be able to take care of others.”
With respect to what I’ve been saying up to this point, it may be helpful to recognize that there are less superficial ways in which we might accomplish this, the first of which is practicing gratitude. Whether in the form of meditation or by simply pausing our mind to appreciate the things, people and situations in our lives that bring us value and joy; with time, we’ll need less of the needless.
Another method is to change the way we look at “what ifs?”: This could mean conducting more positive conversations and imaginary scenarios in our heads, than negative ones; or we might approach uncertainty with more curiosity than dread, allowing us to treat “what ifs?” as opportunities or adventures, not anticipated misfortunes. This allows us to curb our anxiety and intolerance, while creating space for possibility.
Lastly, give. Give someone a compliment every day, give time to organizations in need once a week, simply give a fuck about people more (particularly those outside of our immediate circles). In doing so, not only may we lift others up, but we too may elevate our overall sense of worth and purpose. And we don’t have to cling to this new role in hopes of redefining our identity– we can just do it and know that it means something for the greater good of humanity.
To understand the past is not to wallow in it, but to simply know what mistakes were made so we can avoid repeating them. I’m hard on the country I was born in because there is so much that I love about it; but, I’m also aware of how much we continue to suffer as a nation, and why.
Instead of obsessing over results or outcomes themselves, we can try focusing our attention on developing meaningful relationships and personal tools for living in the future, where these outcomes exist; and being slightly better equipped to handle them when they surely won’t unfold in the way we expect them to.
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