by Zachary Gorsuch
February 2, 2025
The sink is overflowing, the dog is barking, there is cereal everywhere, the baby is crying, you have no idea where the other one is, whatever was in the oven is now smoking, which has set off the fire alarm…annnd, that’s when your bread-winning spouse walks in the door and you feel like a complete nincompoop.
Sure everyone is happy to see everyone, but then you sit down to dinner and your 4-year old can’t remember one simple detail from the countless activities you did that day together and you swear you saw some sort of expression of disappointment in his mom’s face after hearing silence capture her simple question: “So what’d you guys do today?’. Your buddies nudging you, extended family nagging you “Yeah, uh, was this your idea or hers?”
They’re all talking about being a stay-at-home Dad, of course. And your spouse is probably not nearly as unimpressed as she is exhausted, like you. Just like you, she could dig a jacuzzi right about now, sans the I.P.A. in a koozie.
Unschooling
We are an Unschooling Family, so I guess that would make me an Unschooling Dad; sounds lazy as shit, doesn’t it? But as any dad or parent who spends all day, every day with their kids will tell you, there really isn’t a lot of downtime or space for laziness; now there is a major exception to this, but more on that later.
Through observation and experience, my partner and I have grown to believe that of the very few schools we would actually consider enrolling our children, there are just about zero which are affordable. Even if mom or dad works for their kids’ school, many of these institutions still charge them tuition.
After we had our first child my wife quit her job, first and foremost to nurture her newborn baby, but also because it was absurd for her to work at a job all day away from him just to be able to pay for someone else to stand in her place. To us, it was of no consequence how important our career was to us or how important we were to our job – kids first, always. And that is still the case.
Eventually, when we figured we had to send him to some sort of daycare, it was obvious to her and then through osmosis, me, that she would be a teacher at the little daycare where we would send him. Within a few months, she left the daycare center so she could start her own Pre-Kindergarten program, which was about the time that I quit working for a horrific boss. and we went into our first business together, never looking back on the old timeclock. Until recently.
We tend to shy away from the label of a “HomeSchool” family, partly because of the stereotypes suggesting that we tend to stick around the house in case Trevor gets typhoid or because sister Amelia was eaten by a bear; but mainly because the concept of school at home is extremely limiting from the second it rolls off the tongue.
Kids need adventure and their imagination flourishes the further out they can travel. The more time they are able to spend outside in the fresh air, the healthier and happier they are. Trails, beaches, mountains, creeks and crags, it captivates and illuminates their true personalities. This is all based on the very simple, yet powerful concepts of curiosity and discovery and we fully subscribe to it.
No matter where the next couple of years take us as a family, we are proud of our children and grateful that we have always managed to provide them with the opportunity to learn naturally and independently. As their “instructors”, we are present and here to guide them in any way we can, while giving them space to solve their own problems, however big or small.
Witnessing a 3-year-old’s meltdown is never about the fifth layer of tights she is pulling on over her soiled under-drawers or the fact that she wants to wear the Jelly shoes Grandma bought her to go out in 15-degree weather – though it pairs nicely with the little handbag. Their feelings are huge and we are not there to be their source of conflict, their “no”.
We are there to teach them the value of spirit and self-awareness, always reminding them of just how capable they are in every little thing they do. Even if it means letting them walk out into the freezing cold looking like a silly little tramp…it’ll only be “cute” for like another year or two. And then we march.
Contact
Imagine any ridiculous scenario where you might show anger towards a caged baby bunny. Now if I asked you to imagine any same scenario, but towards a child (hopefully uncaged), your response would be the same, however, I call bullshit, unless we’re talking about a really small human baby and not a tyrannical toddler. For once they obtain a basic vocabulary, all bets are off the table. Language is confusing, ain’t it?
In the blockbuster film Contact, starring Jodie Foster, her character “Ellie” is given a pill just before she launches into an unprecedented and potentially deadly space mission: “There will be no pain, and it’s just in case.” She scoffs at the gentleman doctor or military person extending the little capsule, “Did you think I’ve worked all these hours, all these years, just to go up there to commit suicide?” The doctor general guy looks at her and says, “There are thousands of ways in which we have calculated this mission will go wrong. This pill is for the reasons we can’t think of.”
Parenting is difficult and the Contact reference brings us a little closer to the reason why. Yes, it’s physically and mentally exhausting and can even leave some parents longing for their old cubicle: “At least there it’s quiet. I could take a nap under the desk”. But just like many of life’s true challenges, we can sometimes feel like we’re not growing into it because of the frustration of constantly discovering shit we could never have conceived of. Hell, even Jodie Foster’s fictional team of brilliant scientists could never anticipate the things you see after you’ve taken your eye off of a toddler for 45 seconds. About half of the time you are in fact discovering another ‘shit’.
Sometimes with our kids, the harder we try, the harder it becomes. The more we enforce our schedules and our “way”, the more confused, guilt-ridden and disgruntled they become. When you’ve asked them five times to put their coat on and it’s starting to feel like they are intentionally ignoring you, that’s your inner fire burning; oh, and they are ignoring you on purpose, 100%. Blow it out. Keep your cool and understand that kids mimic our behavior to a tee, while always testing boundaries; your calm is their calm and your fire is theirs – and don’t even try to fake your way through it, because they possess a miraculous ability to feel every bit of what we are feeling, even on the inside. It can be intense at times, but that’s love.
Once I began to understand my role in this relationship and the entanglement of emotions that are involved, it was important to remind myself of what we are doing and why we are doing it. Nevermind how I got in this position or less significantly, how other people feel about it; that is none of their business. The only thing that matters is that we have created a clear path of communication within our family to remind each other every night that, despite popular belief, we are not as bat-shit, hillbilly crazy lost as everyone thinks we are. That is also love.
In the Throes
So we’re here, with the stove boiling over and smelly diapers, fire alarm and all that – we are in it and we are trying so hard to do our best and prove to our spouse and to ourselves that we are making the right choice in “unsubscribing” our kids to the mainstream mayhem. We have conviction, yes, but the day-to-day operations are still in disarray and our doubts lay ever-mounting about our capabilities as “stay-at-home Dads”. Take a few breaths and relax.
–Slow It All Down: This is your house, your domain, your dojo. We often feel the need to clean vigorously and make certain the house is in tip-top shape before we can even begin to address what it is our little one keeps asking for (90% of the time it’s just for us to “look”…”you’re not lookinnnng”). Or we’re all in, following them around like a News Channel 5 helicopter, just waiting for their next bizarre list of demands. Chill out and create a more even tempo by including books, music and art simple projects into your day.
–Absolutely No Screen Time (unless absolutely necessary): Remember a few paragraphs ago when I stated there was an exception to the idea that full-time parenting cannot be a lazy endeavor? Tablets, TVs and other tech devices provide a surefire distraction for developing brains to latch on to and subsequently rot from the inside out.
Kids need to figure things out, not with the push of a keypad and the reward of some ubiquitous electronic images, but tactfully, intentionally and naturally. Reading is the best way you can accomplish this with your child and should be encouraged every single day. Family movie nights are an exciting event in our house, because our children have not been inundated with blue light all day; and our most common theme is to watch the movie version of whatever chapter book we’ve just finished reading.
Once they reach whatever school age you have chosen, be wary of that institution if they are overly tech-heavy and the child is still of elementary age. And have no fear of them “falling behind”. Even if a 12-year old has never looked at a tablet in her life, she’ll have mastered it within the hour (the first time a child of mine absconded with my phone, he was about 4 years old and 2 minutes later I found him crouched in the closet editing my GooglePhotos, beautifully).
–Be Their Guest: Into pure imagination. Play with them. For us dads it is typically what we’re best at anyway and the picture only tends to fog up when we realize that there are non-child related responsibilities we have. Minimize those as much as possible to make room for playing. Be their imaginary ‘company’ and get to know them all the way through.
What you are doing within these 0-7 years of your child’s life is not helping them figure out how to pass a standardized test or ace a job interview, but rather laying the groundwork for what type of human they will evolve into. Kids are less focused on the right answers and more attuned to what your reactions are, to who you are and to how you behave.
So relax, breathe, and by golly have fun!