March 23, 2025
I’ve heard from many parents and have myself experienced times when parenting just feels like a series of threats and negotiations, particularly when it comes to “disciplinary” or behavioral concerns.
This of course is usually said in jest with varying levels of truth behind it and the reason we chuckle along is because we know the feeling, we’re in on the joke. Threats and negotiations, however, are conceptually two very different methods, not just in parenting, but in our day-to-day interactions with those outside of our tribe.
When we negotiate with someone, we’re trying to get what we want through compromise and to ensure that both parties receive some type of a fair deal. It’s not always as slick or dramatic as we might imagine, but it does involve a certain level of skill and tact; plus, disagreements and misunderstandings do occur, so the act of negotiating seems quite significant, if not necessary.
Threats on the other hand are an aggressive warning that if this person does not cave to our demands, then we will take action to make their life a living hell, or at least an utter inconvenience. A threat originates from the same place as a negotiation, when there is a disagreement; but it typically seems to be further fueled by an extreme imbalance of power, paired with extreme deficits in emotional intelligence.
Lights Out
When a 6-year old will not put their tablet or iPad away because they need to take a bath or go to bed, some parents might skip negotiations and go straight to: “If you don’t turn it off right now, you’re getting NO screen time tomorrow!”. Regardless of how the child responds to authoritarianism, the damage is done when this starts to repeat itself; and it almost always repeats itself when screens are involved.
The iPad, or whatever technology is being used to distract or occupy them, even if it shuts them up or pacifies them for a few measly minutes, should never be there in the first place for a number of reasons (namely because, in this scenario, she’s 6). And the negotiation stage was skipped because in their minds, “you bought this thing for me and now you’re yelling at me for having it”, leaving no further offers on the table. Touché, petit enfant.
At the time of purchasing such a device for their child, parents may not be fully aware of its street value, until we soon discover the damned thing works like magic! (or crack cocaine). The lightbulb goes off and we quickly tuck it into our little toolbox of tricks; we can use this later and watch it backfire, when we smack our analogous thumb with a karma hammer.
Suddenly we start to develop this pattern of, “you can have this, but…”, which is fine if we want to foster trust; but when it becomes the object of a threat, and it inevitably will at some point, we should consider taking a step back and recalibrate our value system, street or otherwise. This might provide us with some data on how to avoid future, sometimes even premeditated deals of this nature.
Consider Christmas, the holiest of the holy when it comes to leverage and behavioral influence. Of course we’re all jolly and we want everything to go well, but it has become the ultimate bargaining chip, lasting for weeks on end in some twisted form of suspended bribery, I’m not renouncing this holiday exactly, but I do find it a little crazy that, traditionally, for a whole month tell our kids that they should behave because some old fat stranger in a ridiculous red suit is watching them, when we’re not. But I digress.
Mind the Gap
It seems that the more disproportionate the power gap, e.g. adult/child or wealthy/poor nations, the greater chance there is for a threat to occur. And the menacing deals begin to surface alongside the existence of highly valued blue chips. This is when things literally get in the way of our ability to communicate and treat each other fairly, with kindness.
Whether we’re dealing with a 6-year old or a foreign diplomat, threatening them is just another way of saying, “I have more power than you do and I will use it if I don’t get what I want” (this is ironically perceived as childish behavior and we can certainly do better). And the battlefield could be in the Middle-East or in the middle of our kitchen; either way, this is when conflict arises.
Even more ironic is that we seem to occupy so much of our brains and our time with what is happening halfway across the world, that we tend to neglect the little battles teeming around our own home and the material influences within it.
- ”Caleb, I told you, Daddy is listening to a very important podcast about Ukraine. Now go put your pajamas on or you’re not going to Dylan’s birthday tomorrow…while Daddy’s golfing.”
For parents out there, how often do you find yourself threatening to take certain privileges away from your kids, compared to how you interact with your peers and most other adults? It is probably difficult (but not inconceivable) to imagine threatening to take the wedding ring off of your spouse’s hand if she does not let you go golfing on Saturday or to sell his golf clubs behind his back if he doesn’t attend a birthday party that same day.
Unfortunately, telling our kids to turn off their screen unless they want them taken away comes as natural as the sun. This is because the power we hold over our little ones is much greater than that of our spouses, colleagues or peers; and while this may seem like an absurd comparison, a stupid little piece of finger jewelry or some elite sporting equipment actually has zero street value compared to a Nintendo Switch.
As far as human civilization is concerned, conflict will always arise and this essay is not so much a commentary on how to handle it, as it is about what we’re handling. And I relate these thoughts of bribery and power to parenting because this is where our most basic and fundamental understanding of these concepts will emerge: in child rearing. It’s important to know what’s important.
When it comes to our family, kids and personal relationships, to achieve an optimal return on our investment requires an intricate knowledge of what we are investing in. If, first and foremost, we’re investing in the other person, then hell, there should be little need for strategic intervention. Just love and listen.
But if we’re introducing blue chips into the equation, let us be able to examine their level of significance within the bigger picture and allow ourselves to utilize our power for good instead of evil. In other words, let’s try being a Gandhi instead of a raging, tyrannical psychopath. And don’t forget to breathe.
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