March 2, 2025
“Who cares if she doesn’t like you? Does everybody in the entire world have to like you?” George Costanza’s girlfriend asks him. He replies without hesitation, as if she’s the crazy one, “Yes! Everybody has to like me! I must be liked!” and we all laugh because “George is gettin’ upset” that Jerry’s new girlfriend doesn’t like him.
The reason the TV show Seinfeld is so brilliant is because they were able to take someone so outwardly insecure, put them in a vulnerable or frustrating situation and somehow make people chuckle their faces off. Despite the fact that he lies, cheats and throws temper tantrums like there’s no tomorrow, audiences find George Costanza to be a likeable character, thanks to a heap of great writing, physical comedy and a dash of empathy.
Any of us who have known a person to actually behave this way typically doesn’t find them to be the least bit funny. In the absence of cartoonish antics and ensuing laughter from a studio audience, things are just awkwardly intense around the office or at the neighborhood BBQ.
That dash of empathy, though, is what sells us on the laughs, because we all know where George is coming from (to an extent), which creates a hysterical bond of sorts. Now, almost 30 years after that episode aired on television, the world is crawling with Costanzas who are not making anyone giggle, but who are still throwing tantrums and needing to be liked by everyone.
In or Out?
In the Outside-In business model, an organization identifies the type of product people are interested in purchasing, then designs their operations solely around that product; this is in contrast to Inside-Out model, which focuses on developing a product which suits the internal needs of the organization based on their strengths and resources, then figures out how to make it desirable to a large number of consumers. I’m not sure which model Vandelay Industries falls under, but I have asked myself, do we, as individuals, as CEO’s of our own private little company called “Me”, do this?
No matter how hard some of us may try, we are not personal corporations; but if we expand the lens on these juxtaposed models toward more psychological applications, we notice that receiving information from the world is what helps us to grow and understand things, particularly during childhood. Yet, with kids I think a lot of us want to believe they are living by the Inside Out approach, when they’re cultivating a sense of who they are so that, as they grow, they can serve humanity in the most authentic way that is their own.
The questions then may bubble: What is this information they’re being exposed to? How is it received and from where? Is there an age when we want them to switch to being Outside-In kids? Does that mean they will develop their personal identity based on what the world expects from them?
Kids are always going to respond to the elements within the environment they observe and experience, whether good or bad, and when they’re small many of us parents create a pretty controlled environment through which they can bounce around and be themselves. Through their observations and some imitation, they learn quickly how to play the game at home, but as they get older the lines start to get a little blurry in spots because the world is big and much less forgiving than mom or dad.
While it’s important that our little ones understand the world around them, it is equally important that they do not become “approval-seeking machines” as David Brooks outlines in The Road to Character. In this complex of needing to be liked by everyone, we notice that people begin to feel entitled to personal praise and glory for doing basically nothing but churning air, ignoring the fact that the potential for what they’re capable of giving to the world is endless.
Hold Your Tongue
Subdued versions of George Costanza exist everywhere we go, they’re just not that funny. But one thing they do have in common with Jason Alexander’s character is the ability to judge other people at the blink of a squinty eye. We do this constantly without even realizing it and these judgements tend to have a negative impact on our ability to give.
Judging others is not just fundamentally illicit, when we do this we are painting ourselves into a corner. “She could do better. He needs to get his shit together. Why is everyone so dumb and lazy?” And “blah blah blah” is what it typically sounds like if the voice in our head actually makes its way out of our mouth. With this level of scrutiny and the need to favorably compare ourselves to others, then surely we must be living to the highest of standards imaginable.
This is rarely the case, as most people who think along these lines are not at all pleased with themselves, which is the biggest reason why they do it. And so it comes as no surprise that people who are able to withhold judgements (especially in their heads) are more well-adjusted, successful and happier than those who pass judgements.
If all of our frustrations seem to hinge upon other people and their expectations, then the Outside-In model may reveal itself as more of a vicious cycle of approval. In this little experiment, that just leaves us with the Inside-Out approach, but be warned it’s not about updating your profile on social media and we don’t actually have colorful little creatures steering the ship in our heads like in the movie; last I checked.
Dramedy
As much as I try to view life as a sitcom, it’s a dramedy at best and luckily for us, our brains don’t necessarily move in one direction or the other (in or out). They are in a flux state, always receiving data from our environment to be processed. At this point it doesn’t really matter if you’re an Innie or Outie; what matters is if we leave it at the doorstep or if we take it further inward by formulating opinions and/or even worse, acting on them. What matters is compassion.
Moses knows how many times I wish I had bit my tongue when complaining about an exasperating neighbor or relative. We can always do better for ourselves and we most certainly can do better for our kids when it comes to how we process information and how we react to it.
We have to be able to look at ourselves in the mirror and decide whether or not we’re going to listen to the voice in our head that says “Did you see that guy’s bumper sticker?” or just let it go and focus on changing lanes.
The Stoic philosophers have a quote: “Don’t ever be overheard complaining, not even to yourself.” But if all else fails, watch an episode of Seinfeld and ask yourself which character you identify with the most. I’ve been told I’m a bit of a Kramer.
Oh, and don’t forget to breathe, buddy.